User talk:Jd 2456
Welcome Hi, welcome to ! Thanks for your edit to the Endless Nightmare page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Violation of these rules will result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out the Article Listing or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Look at what our editors have written at the User Submissions page. Do not forget to add any story you create/upload to the Article Listing. If, after 30 minutes from adding a page, you neglect to put that page on the Article Listing, you will receive a 1 day block as stated in the rules. This is not the same as adding it to the User Submissions page. If you upload OC (Original Content; something that you wrote instead of found on the internet), be sure to tag it with the Category:OC category AND add it to the User Submissions page as per the rules. If you mark a page as OC and do not add it to the User Submissions page, you will be warned first then blocked from editing for a day the next time it happens. The OC tag will also be removed. The same thing goes for putting a page on the Submissions and not tagging it as OC. This does not count as adding it to the Article Listing, though. This is an extra step for OC. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! -- LOLSKELETONS (Talk) 17:32, February 4, 2013 EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:30, May 25, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Your story was deleted as it was not up to quality standards. Besides the punctuation (commas missing where needed. "I traveled to Salem(,) MA.", "Noticing a gap I quickly ran away.", etc.), grammar issues (it's=it is, its=possession: "it’s tentacles", "I walked down New Derby street with it’s shops", "had lost it’s color", etc.), wording (Redundancy issues: "I have somewhat of in(an) interest in early American history and I have something of an interest (redundant)", "Although I found the famous witch statue in Barton Square, although it wasn’t to hard to find it right there out in the open with people gathering around to take a picture of it . ", etc. "I walked around and found a few things that peaked (piqued) my interest", "I opened to the door to my room."), tense changing issues (" I wanted to know what the fuck is (was) going on so reluctantly I tailed them.", "I decided once the sun is (was) up I’ll (I'd) high tail it outta there", etc.), there are quite a lot of plot problems here. Story issues: There are a number of scenes that feel unneeded/unexplained. "“Emptied out quick huh?” He gave me a strange look and told me that like most Wednesdays the place had been dead. I was confused" What's the purpose of this line? The protagonist notes that there were people in the bar earlier and the bartender confirms that there were people present ("The bartender informed me that someone had noticed I left it behind and told him to watch it in case I came back.") So that makes the previous conversation feel superfluous and off. There should also be a bit more description of the ritual and the entity summoned as it feels pretty lackluster and really reminiscent of Silent Hill with the rust-covered elevator/environment. Story issues cont.: The ending is also problematic. " I fear it might get me soon. I can hear the slithering sound of the tentacles forcing their way through from under my door." Who exactly would sit down and write all of this as a monster descends on them? It worked in Lovecraftian stories as the protagonist has no other option but to write out their final moments. Here it doesn't really make sense, why wouldn't he try to escape (as he successfully did back in Salem)? Why wouldn't he try to get help? Why would the monster wait for him to write all this out and post it. If the monster was terrorizing Salem, how come no one has intervened to try and stop its rampage and no one is reporting on this monster cutting a swath of destruction across the country? Story issues end: Why was the protagonist chosen in the first place for the ritual? It doesn't seem like he was needed at all and all he really does is witness the ceremony happening. Additionally why is the monster after them as it previously attacked the town and gave him plenty of time to escape. He's really played no part in the ritual or has anything to do with the summoning so why would it follow him cross-country just to menace him outside his door? These questions really weaken the story and give the latter half a rushed feel. These were a few of the issues I found in the story when reading it after another admin was on the fence about the overall story. I'd suggest taking it to the writer's workshop if you're interested in salvaging the story and being prepared to scrap/re-work a large portion of it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:28, May 25, 2016 (UTC) :The issue is the progression of the conversation. The bartender implies there weren't people in the bar and then segue into mentioning one of said people in the bar found his wallet. If it was meant to imply that it's a perspective thing (the protagonist assumes that the bar's doing good and the bartender is responding that it was a quiet night), I really don't see why it's included. If it's to imply the bartender is lying to them, it feels like it needs revision. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:44, May 25, 2016 (UTC)